If It Works For You

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Most people have read or heard all of the information on what makes a successful marriage. How to keep a husband/wife happy, the 5 or 10 or 15 steps to a happy marriage. How to fight fair. Men are from wherever and women are from some other place.

On August 4 I celebrated my 40th wedding anniversary. People asked if it felt like 40 years, did the time just fly by and other such nonsense. They also wanted to know how we made it work, was the relationship 50/50, how did having children change the dynamics of the marriage, who was the one with the last word?

There is no magic in having a successful, most of the time happy marriage. I love those people who say that every day it was almost perfect because they married their perfect mate. I personally don’t know who they married because I don’t know two perfect people.

First of all we were parented by different people. That plays a big part in the marriage. Whether we want to admit it or not, we learned from our parents–good or bad, and our parents learned from their parents and so on.

So I thought I would give you some of the myth busters that I have encountered.

  1. Never go to bed mad. Stop it! You still have to go to work because there are bills that must be paid. So go to sleep, sleep on the problem, and for the most part it may solve itself with a nights sleep. In all honesty sometimes when you sleep on something you see the other persons position.
  2. Hide some of “your” money, you never know when you might need it, and make sure you don’t let the spouse know. They know. Put it in an account with your name on it and move on.
  3. Always put your money in a joint account. You can if you want to. You know what has to be paid, and when it should be paid. Some people are not good with money. I have found that a lot of couples have separate accounts and everything works out for them.
  4. Marriage is 50/50–of what? I will leave this one alone.
  5. Marry your best friend. If I married my best friend then who am I going to have to vent my frustrations about him with? My best friend has known me since second grade.
  6. Happy couples never disagree. Who wants to be with someone who thinks exactly like they do?
  7. You should share the same interest and do everything together. We don’t even like the same movies. I’m a happy movie fan, and he’s a kill 15 people in the first five minutes fan. We compromise, well at least I compromise and go with him. He suggest that I go with my best friend to see my type of movies.
  8. You complete each other. If it takes another person to complete you, then you will never be complete. You are your own person. That’s what drew them to you in the first place.
  9. Never sleep in separate beds/bedrooms. My paternal grandparents never slept in the same room, and they were married over 60 years–they seemed very happy. They could see each other from their rooms.  I know some people who sleep in separate rooms because one snores and keeps the other one up. One suggestion is to purchase an adjustable bed–it helps if snoring is a concern.

What makes a successful marriage? I wish I knew. I can tell you that it is always a work in progress. The one thing that is a constant with us is that no matter what, prayers are said before we close our eyes and when we open them in the morning. We truly believe that prayer helps everything. He will never be a cat person, and dogs are growing on me.

Remember “thisisyourbestyear”. If it works for you…….

It Gets Easier With Age

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Remember when you tried to please everyone? Remember how hard it was to say no to people especially those that you really cared about or a group you wanted to be a part of? Remember how you didn’t want to hurt their feelings when they asked a question they probably already knew the answer to?

Well guess what? As we age, it gets easier to say what is on your mind, but most importantly we now have permission to say no and not give a reason why. We can tell the reason for the no answer, but it is not a requirement, it is an option.

This goes for everyone in the family. I know what most of you are thinking–you’re thinking about the grandchildren and babysitting. Although sometimes you do have plans or you just don’t feel like it–it happens no matter how sweet and cute they are. You just want to put your feet up, watch a movie, take a nap in other words you don’t feel like it. So the answer is no.

It could be with your hubby or significant other when they say let’s go to dinner. Do they want to go to (name their favorite place), and you don’t want to eat there, just say no. When he asks where you want to go, give him suggestions that you like.

Since we are of a certain age, most of us learned to type. So at committee meetings especially if we are one of the few females in attendance they always  ask if we can take the notes for this meeting. We grudgingly do, and then we have to type them up, and now we have become the recording secretary. Next time they ask you, tell them no you can’t unless of course you like that position. I seem to remember guys in my typing class so why not let them take and type the minutes?

The first few times you say the word no to something you’ve always wanted to say no to will feel a little weird, and it will shock those that you say it to.

Sometimes the word yes can be used to your benefit. How many of us have had this question--“do you mind if I switch the channel”, and we say no. Next time say yes if you are watching something that you like.

When we finally figure out that it’s okay to say no I don’t, or yes I do mind because that’s how we feel then we must do one other thing. We must stop apologizing. It’s just how we feel, no I don’t want to do something and/or yes I do mind.

Think of yourself as a toddler. When you ask them a question, and they say no there is no explanation, no apology just on to the next question. Don’t feel bad, you will again keep the grandchildren, eat at his favorite place and probably take notes at a committee meeting, but you now know that you can stop trying to please everyone.

Start pleasing yourself and learning the art of saying “no” and “yes I do mind”–remember “thisisyourbestyear”.

Be Selfish–Take Care Of Yourself

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As women of a certain age, we were always taught to not be selfish.  We were told “don’t be selfish” when it came to our toys, but now I am telling you that it is okay to be selfish.  Women of a certain age have earned the right to want and do something just for themselves–we’re not going to hurt anyone.

Some things that you can do that will make only you happy or at least the happiest in your family.

  • Cook a meal that only you like–sit down and enjoy it.  How many times have you eaten what everyone else likes?  I can almost guarantee that someone will eat with you.
  • Hire someone to help with the housework–schedule the way it fits your budget and needs.
  • Get regular manicures and pedicures–again your schedule, your finances.
  • Take your time when placing your order at a restaurant–ask questions if you so desire.  You want what you want.
  • Say no to babysitting the grandkids every time they ask–you love them, but you have a life.
  • Watch a movie that you like while sitting in the comfy chair.
  • When they ask you to watch the television in the back so they can all watch something on the bigger tv tell them no and keep watching.
  • Go shopping and only buy for yourself.
  • While shopping don’t call and tell them about a sale because you know you will buy the item(s) and never get paid for it.
  • Sleep late or take a nap for no reason except you can.
  • Take a vacation day from work and don’t tell anyone–do what you want to do on that day.
  • Play the music in your car and in theirs that you like–they do this all the time.
  • Hide your good candy.  They don’t know the difference between Belgian Chocolate and milk chocolate.

These seem like simple things, but we as women of a certain age were taught to put others before us, and stop being selfish.  If taking care of yourself is being selfish, then I am all for it.

Remember “thisisyourbestyear”.  You’re not being selfish by making yourself happy.   Take into consideration that they would want you to be happy.

Share with us any other ways that we can be “selfish” and not hurt anyone.  We are looking forward to reading them.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

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I have finally decided to stop worrying about most things.  You know I will continue to worry about my children and family.  That’s a no brainer, but everything else, I will not worry about and that includes my job.

I will let go, and let God.  I will do as the song says, “Don’t worry be happy”. I will do what needs to be done, and let it go at that. I will be like the millennials, and the whatever else the younger generation is called.  I will stop worrying.

It started a couple of years ago–I can remember it well.  Up until that time I would be a nervous wreck when something went wrong in my house.  I would talk out loud wondering how did this happen, why poor me, every time I got a nickel I had to spend a dime.  You get the picture.

Well about 7 years ago our youngest fresh out of the Coast Guard was on her way to work when she informed me there was water in the kitchen on the floor. I immediately thought my loving husband had spilled a little something.  Before I made it into the kitchen I walked in a river of water that had engulfed part of the den and office.  The river was running wild in the sunroom, dining room, kitchen and laundry area–probably in the garage (but I didn’t care about the garage).  I finally woke my husband out of a deep sleep, started to push water out, called the insurance company and waited on those that could help us dry out. Our house had taken on flood water, but being the worrier that I was, yes I had taken out flood insurance a couple of years before. While my husband continued to push out water, I got dressed and went to work.  Now back in my younger days I would have had a crying, pity party, but I had matured–nature had run its course, and I had tried to be prepared for it. I did worry that the insurance would not pay off, but it did.

When they started to repair our house they told us we had a leaking pipe behind the washer because the paint would not dry.  So me being the worrier had purchased a home warranty plan from a well-known company that I will not name (horrible company).  Inbox me and I will give you their name.  They sent plumbers who came out 3 times, and each time they informed me they had fixed the problem–paint still wouldn’t dry. So I decided to call a plumber I had used before the home warranty plan.  The man came out looked at the wall, then at my newly laid kitchen floor and informed me I had a slab leak, and he would be back the next morning to let me know where it was located.  Yes, it was under my newly laid floor, but again the contractor and I had planned, we had purchased more flooring than we needed.  As the plumber jackhammered my floor on a Saturday which meant that we would have this gigantic hole in the floor over the weekend–I didn’t worry. If you came to my house doing that time, you would just have to walk around the hole in the floor.

Big White my 2003 Dodge Durango and I had a loving relationship.  She had not been much trouble, a little bit here and there, but for the most part she ran good.  Then one day in 2016 all kind of lights came on in her and would not go away.  The mechanic informed me of the problem, and the cost–I cried when I had to let her go, but it was time.  So instead of worrying about what kind of car I was gonna get, I just knew it had to fit in my garage.  I didn’t worry about should I or shouldn’t I–it was time. I didn’t worry about it.  Car note here I come.

Both my girls have left their jobs because they were not happy, and all I could think of was you have a car note, house note and other bills.  They replied, don’t worry–be happy.  Well they didn’t really say that, but that was their attitude.  I was running around getting all worked up, and they were out having a good time.  Yes, they were seeking employment, and yes they found what they were looking for. So why was I worrying?  Because I am a woman of a certain age, but their father is a man of a certain age, and he doesn’t worry.  Go figure.

And now my refrigerator all of 7 years old is on the blink. I can remember the one my grandmother had.  I don’t ever remember it getting repaired, and I don’t remember her buying a new one. I could worry about the food that will spoil in the hot refrigerator and freezer, but I will do the best I can to save what I can. Then I will fill out the lost food form and hope for the best.

I say all of this to say I don’t have high blood pressure, and I will not get high blood pressure behind things that I cannot control. My husband gets upset at sporting events, I theorize that no one wants to lose, but somebody will. He theorizes that they can’t play, bad coaching, etc.

I will not worry, I will be happy–I will fix, replace or resolve what I can, and let go of the rest because some things are just out of my control.  It’s call life.

Remember “thisisyourbestyear”.  Don’t worry, be happy.

 

 

Alzheimer’s Caregivers–“Til Death Do Us Part”

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It attacks the brain and is the most common type of dementia–this is Alzheimer’s. There is no age requirement when it comes to the early onset of Alzheimer’s. We tend to think of our parents and grandparents when we think of Alzheimer’s, but the youngest person diagnosed with it was only 27.

The stories below are some of the examples of what it means when one states in their wedding vow: “til death do us part”. Each one of these has taken a different approach.

Mike and Carol’s journey was one that Mike was determined to make with her at home. Over the course of 10 years, and his health failing both mentally and physically he had to make a decision. A decision that was the best for both of them. Mike made the decision that even with 24 hour a day caregivers Carol needed more. He made the decision to put her into a facility.

As some caregivers think back over time, they realize there may have been signs they may have missed. As Barry Petersen talks about his wife, he tells how she changed years earlier before she was diagnosed.

All of the caregivers vowed to always take care of their spouse. They came to the realization that taking care of them meant they must face the difficult decision to put their love one into a care facility, not only for their care but the care of themselves.

Take a look at Barry and Jan and their journey with Alzheimer’s. Jan has since passed away.

Dan and B were the “it” couple that I watched on her weekly lifestyle show. From their beautifully decorated home in Sag Harbor to her wonderful restaurant that I visited in Washington, DC. They seemed to be living the dream until….. As of the writing of this article, B. Smith still remains at her home in Sag Harbor with Dan.

One important take away from all three of these cases is that couples should talk about their wishes if they become afflicted by this disease. The caregiver should have instructions that will make his/her decision on care much easier, and with less guilt.

As we mature, we do seem to forget more which does not mean that we have Alzheimer’s. The chart below is a simple way to explains the difference.

alzheimer anddementia

Alzheimer’s came to my family with my paternal grandmother. It was something that seemed to strike out of nowhere, and life-altering decisions had to be made immediately. My grandfather had died years earlier, but I know that he would have been like the spouses above, he would take care of his wife as she had always taken care of him. Even though in the later years of his life he was in failing health, he would be determined–“til death do us part”. Some conversations are hard to have, but a necessity as life continues.

Remember “thisisyourbestyear”. Taking care of someone does not mean doing it all alone there are resources.

Try these sites and others for information on being a caregiver for someone with Alzheimer’s.

Alzheimer’s Support Programs and Information

National Institute on Aging

AARP Help and Support for Alzheimer’s Caregivers

You’re Aging Yourself–Watch Your Posture

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Marsha, the trainer that I work out with told me something that put me into action quick fast and in a hurry.  As she was putting us through hell, yes hell, she told me that my posture was getting bad.  She informed me that for all of the hard work, posture would show age just as fast as a body that was not in shape.

My mother was the first one that told me about my posture, and it had gotten better over the years.  While trying to figure out why it was now starting again I did some research.  Here  are some of the reasons why we begin to have bad posture:

posture

  • We sit at work all day looking down at our keyboards and monitors.  If we have the adjustable table for our computer, we still find ourselves looking down because we find it more comfortable.

smartphone posture 5

  • Our smartphones have become part of us.  We look down at them all of the time.  Even if we are really doing something productive, we are looking down.
  • Being overweight or obese affects posture.
  • Habit is another reason.

I am proud to say that last week at workout I was told my posture was looking good. Talking with several people about what could be done to halt this has helped.  Here are some the things they said.

  • The trainer–line your ears up with your shoulders–look at yourself in the mirror when exercising
  • The masseuse–start a yoga class or find one online.  Even our resident yogi at work said this was a good idea.  She even informed me that she had to get back in the habit of good posture.  Reminding herself especially while driving that she needed to sit up straight.
  • Me–stand the computer desk high and then sit while at work–this will cause me to sit up straight since I will then have to look up at the screen.
  • Yogi–be conscious of your posture.  Believe it or not you will catch yourself slumping and immediately straighten up.

I found an extremely good video *(SarahBethYoga) that I do after my devotional and stretching.  It takes only 10 minutes.  I can honestly say that it works.  Take a look.

Remember that posture affects your entire body.  Bad posture causes pain and your entire body has to compensate for it.  So stand/sit straight and remember “thisisyourbestyear”.  Your body will thank you.
*Take a look at other videos by SarahBethYoga on her YouTube channel.

 

 

 

Bringing Healthcare to Thousands

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Each year women of a certain age dread the slightly uncomfortable mammogram.  For that small amount of discomfort, we all breathe a sign of relief when the results come back negative, and if they come back questionable, we are grateful that we know that something needs to be done.

In all parts of Tarrant County (the United States) there are thousands of women who do not have insurance that will assist them with payment for this and other annual exams.  Many of these women do not have any symptoms, but when they are seen by a doctor it is often for something that could have been eradicated with early detection.

The Kupferie Health Board of the Texas Health Resources Foundation is sponsoring their annual Puttin’ on the Pink Fashion Show and Luncheon (March 27, 2018).  Proceeds from this fabulous event will benefit mobile health outreach to underserved women in Fort Worth and surrounding communities. Some of the screenings and procedures are:

  • Breast diagnostic procedures
  • Digital diagnostic procedures
  • Cardiovascular risk assessments
  • Colon cancer screening
  • Well-woman exams and cervical cancer screenings

The fashion show is like no other, the beautiful clothes are modeled by professional models and survivors with their stories being told.  Some of the survivors were diagnosed through the screenings and procedures they received from the mobile health outreach.

Tickets and sponsorships are still available.  Just click Puttin’ on the Pink. Through very generous donations, they will raffle off 11 fabulous prices.  To see the items that can be yours click raffle.  You do not need to be present to win, and you are helping a great cause.

This is our third year covering this event.  Last year it was our honor to interview Irene, the beautiful survivor featured in the video below, and to learn more about the mobile health outreach from someone who has used it.  To learn more about the mobile health and the event, take a look at the video.

Remember “thisisyourbestyear”. It’s about more than breast cancer, it’s about life–Puttin’ on the Pink.

Puttin’ on the Pink

March 27, 2018

10 am Reception/ 11 am Fashion Luncheon

Fort Worth Convention Center Ballroom

 

 

 

Women Building Leadership–WFF

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The movement is strong and getting stronger.  Women are taking their lives and situations into their own hands.  They know that it is now or never.  Strong women in all fields of endeavor have started mentoring, sharing and encouraging women to become the best they can in whatever they desire.

In Dallas, Texas on March 4–March 7 WFF (Women’s Foodservice Forum) will continue their effort to lead the way to gender equity in the food service industry.  WFF wants to create a successful model that can be shared and emulated in other industries.

The food service industry is the second largest employer of women behind the federal government.  In 1989 the WFF was established to assist women in building their skills, expanding their knowledge and broadening their perspectives through education, mentoring and connections. Encouraging them to gain the leadership skills that will allow them to reach their full career potential is one of the main focuses of WFF. They strive to assist women develop their skill set all through their career journey–from beginning (entry level) to the end (CEO).

Hattie Hill, the President and CEO has been involved with WFF since it’s inception.  She sees the correlation of the national conversation  on #MeToo to #TimesUp, and now gender equity as one that has always been there, but is now out of the shadows. In her research she came across a study that indicates that at the rate women are going in the workplace, it will take about 100 years to reach gender equity.  WFF is striving to cut that time by many years. They are striving to be the solution to the things that are holding women back from success.

The leadership conference offers a variety of speakers and topics.  The topics are as varied as the women and the positions they now have, and the ones they are striving to attain. The conference is built to assist, teach and mentor.  The leadership conference content is driven by the participants.  Participants have given their thoughts and comments on speakers and topics they feel would be helpful to them.

This year the conference will launch the “Lead the Way” initiative.  Broadcaster and author Maria Shriver, broadcaster Gretchen Carlson and former first lady of the United States Michelle Obama have been selected to christen the initiative.

The conference hopes that the women in attendance will takeaway many things, but one in particular–they want the women to focus on themselves in developing themselves.  The conference itself focuses on three areas: the industry (attracting great talent), the organization (companies want to know how it leads and attracts talent at all generations) and the attendees (what talents do they have, what do they want to do, getting great connections and one of the most important things–how can they pass on this valuable learning experience).

To learn more about the WFF and it’s goals or to register for the conference, please go to: Women’s FoodService Forum.

Remember “thisisyourbestyear” we don’t have 100 years.

 

 

We Are Not Our Hair–It Changes Too

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As a little girl growing up in East Texas I loved my neighbor’s hair. Miss Adell had hair that went almost to her waist.  I called it water wavy hair.  It was hair that harsh chemicals and heat never touched.  To get a flip or something special she would put those famed pink rollers in it.

Even as she grayed her hair to me was her crown and glory.  After a bout with cancer with chemo treatments, her hair came out.  I never saw her during that time, but I did see her when it started to come back, and it came back straight. It was still beautiful and was getting long again, but it was straight.  It was then I realized something important.

Her personality had not changed, she was still Miss Adell, still just as beautiful as ever. She was not her hair, she was the neighbor that I loved–hair or no hair, straight or wavy.

I met the beautiful Paulette Leaphart on Facebook.  I saw this beautiful bald woman who had this megawatt smile that could light up any room.  At the time she was fighting breast cancer. After seeing more beautiful pictures of her with and without hair, wearing alternative hair, caps, hats and all that is in between I knew she was not her hair–she was Paulette.  She always knew she was her own beautiful woman–she was a fighter, in fact, she was a champion.

Years ago I met a lady who always wore alternative hair–she suffered from alopecia areata. She would change her look as quickly as she could.  Then one day she decided that she was not her hair, and off came the alternative hair. When the wigs came off it seemed that the smile grew brighter, and so much more.  She knew she was not her hair. Her hair has started to grow back, but she knows who she is with or without it.

As we mature and hormones go wacky our hair changes.  It can become thinner, drier, brittle and yes it also turns gray.

While watching the movie “Black Panther”.  I saw this beautiful woman with no hair. She was strong, she was confident, she was fit, she was fine, she was everything–she was not her hair.  One of the best moments is when she is so uncomfortable with her alternative hair.

As I write this I am in the process of trying to decide what I want to do with my hair. Just like a lot of women of a certain age, it is a work in progress.  For almost a year I have not put a relaxer on it.  Color has not been on it for about two years.  I have finally figured out “I am not my hair”.

As with everything else our hair changes.  Remember “thisisyourbestyear”.  We are not our hair.

 

National Wear Red Day

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February 2, 2018 is national wear “red” day for American Heart Month.

 

On the first Friday of February national wear “red” day is held to draw attention to the fact that the #1 killer of women is heart disease.  This year, 2018 marks the 15th year for this event.

There have been major strides made in the effort to eradicate heart disease in women, but still, 1 in 3 women will die from some form of heart disease and stroke.

The color red was chosen because it stands out.  It has even been stated that red makes a person feel powerful.

The research has shown that women who participate in the events (wearing red) during February do the following:

  • eat healthier diets
  • exercise more
  • insist on medical tests when having symptoms of stroke/heart attack

My best friend since second grade has had to change many things since suffering three heart attacks, the last one being a major one.  Her challenges have made me more aware of my health.  The symptoms of heart attacks for women are different from those for men.  They can be:

  • pain in one or both arms, stomach, back, neck or jaw–which is what my best friend had
  • dizziness
  • fullness in the chest with or without pain

Symptoms of a stroke can be:

  • sudden blurred vision in one or both eyes
  • sudden trouble speaking
  • sudden numbness or weakness especially on one side

So wear something “red” on February 2, and donate to your local American Heart Association to stomp out heart disease and stroke in women.

To learn more about heart disease, stroke and how to donate contact your local heart association, The National American Heart Association  or The Tarrant County Heart Association.

Remember “thisisyourbestyear”–Go Red for Women.